I’m Sorry IKEA


I’m sorry IKEA. I’m sorry for that time I said your precisely manufactured furniture parts felt cheap. I’m sorry for that time that I made fun of your fun but naive looking instructions. I’m sorry for cursing at you for requiring proprietary tools for the assembly – even if they are provided with the product.

And I’m sorry for saying that your style lacks personality.

For these sins, this is how the furniture karma police punished me:


Allow me to present my newly acquired storage solution: the bastard child of crooked wind chime pipes and LEGO Technics, forged in the inferno of my frustration over ambiguous instructions, false inventory listings and sporadically matching parts. It is the pinnacle of cheap manufacturing and product descriptions that do not match their online counterparts.

Furthermore, the package had the same smell that the local liquor store has. Don’t know what it is, but it sure is funky.

Thing is, with IKEA you get something that fits together and actually is what it is described as.

Here’s what I ordered:


And here’s what I got:


But in the end it’s all good. I got to solve a logical puzzle, based on figuring out what the instructions were really trying to convey, and got to let off some steam via forced component merging. Assembly time was the full length of the soundtrack chosen for the task, namely Pearl Jam’s Lightning Bolt. Since the roommates were out I even got to do a few sing-alongs, which every true Pearl Jam fan does when possible and in the mood.

Finally I have shelves to put stuff on – no need to live out of the suitcase anymore. Provided that this asymmetrical beast remains standing, that is.

PS. IKEA still chops down ancient trees, I’m not sorry for criticising them for that.